Sadface

Lately, whenever I happen to see pictures of Tokyo, I get really heavy-hearted and sad. It seems ridiculous, because I have so many happy memories of that place that should make me smile constantly. But sometimes, it's exactly those memories that make it so hard to accept that I'm not there. That I can't be there.

I feel stupid for whining, because I have an amazing life here, great family and friends, and a lot of security and stability.

But at least the last two I am willing to risk for another chance at living in Tokyo again. Maybe not forever, maybe not even for long.

But right now, it's where I feel like I belong.

I really hope it'll have me again someday.

変心

The weeks before I started my study abroad in Japan, I had a problem.

I didn't want to go.

The application process had left me drained and frustrated, and things weren't completely figured out until a week before I was supposed to arrive there. Also, I felt like I had just built up a life for myself where I lived, just gotten out of my shell, I guess.

When I first told my mom about wanting to go to Japan, she said "It's okay. I'm just afraid you're gonna change your mind again."

She had a point. I have been and still am very fickle. It's one of the reasons I don't like to buy expensive clothes, I'll get bored with them in a few months. Before Japan, there was Finland, before Finland...who knows what. Probably Scotland at some point. And Korea.

Korea actually was my other option for a study abroad. But my counselor recommended Japan, so I said I'd apply there. Before applying, I had never been to Japan in my entire life. I first went there with my sister, 3 months before getting my letter of admission.

I enjoyed Japan. But after three week, I was kind of glad to go back, back to my friends, back to my family, back...home.

But this time, I wasn't going to go home after less than a month. It wasn't going to be temporary, it wasn't going to be just for fun, and it wasn't going to be easy.

Also, there was no one I knew. Not a single person.

On March 22nd, I said goodbye to my mom. My dad, my sister, and my best friend were going to drop me off at the airport. So a few hours later, I also said goodbye to them. I hugged them, over and over again.

Then I went through security, turned around, and waved.

I didn't even cry.

I don't know why, maybe I was too nervous or busy, but I didn't feel like crying once. I got on the plane and that was it.

13 months later, when I got back from Japan, I knew that we weren't done. That there are still so many more things for me to do and experience over there. That Japan is the country I want to live in, really, really live in, without time limits or expiration dates.

For now, Japan is home.

Just gymin'

A picture from when I went to the gym with a friend the other day. He was still at it after an hour and a half, and I had already run 3.5 miles on the treadmill and tortured myself on some other machines, so I just sat there, stretching and listening to music.

It's only two weeks until I go back to Japan for two weeks, so I resolved to go to the gym whenever possible, if only for good measure. I realize I won't lose weight in two weeks, but it generally makes me feel better about myself. Unfortunately, that doesn't always seem to be reason enough, so doing it "for Japan" may be better motivation.

Other than that, I finished the term paper for my class on Charles Brockden Brown and Gothic fiction. At 5am. On the day it was due. Go me.

Work is still nice. It's not really fun, but the team is amazing and I feel like I'm actually making some friends there. You know how in school and at work, you do get along with people but it's always hard to tell whether your good relationship is a friendship or just circumstancial? I have that a lot. I talk to people in class, but I'm not really friends with most of them. You spend one term in the same class, then the next term comes along and you end up in different classes and never talk to each other again. Unless there's some awkward encounter on campus and you feel obliged to ask how they're doing, what they're doing, etc, when in fact neither of you really cares. I don't think it's a bad thing, though, being friends with everybody must be crazy exhausting. There was a time when I thought I had to please the whole world - oh those teenage years - but I know better now. I value politeness and basic social skills a lot, but I do not want to be liked by everyone. I do not want to be everyone's friend. I cannot be everyone's friend.

Anyway, I feel like I really clicked with some people at work. We go out together (even if it's to the movies, which still feels kinda weird), we hang out, we make an effort to find some time.

Maybe that's when you know if you actually care about the relationship - when you start making an effort.

The sad thing is that, even though there are people that I truly and wholeheartedly love and miss and care about, sometimes I feel like I don't make an effort. Like I don't try hard enough to stay in touch and keep up with their lives. I go about my day, making up excuses like "Life just gets in the way", or "I'll do it tomorrow", and so on.

While I'm not on Facebook a whole lot, yesterday I posted a status saying how I was excited to go back to Japan soon, and that I wanted to see everyone. So many people liked and commented on the post, I actually cried a little bit. Partly, because I was moved. Partly, because I felt guilty. Partly, because I am a wuss.

I really want to make an effort. I don't want to be everybody's friend.

But I want to be a good friend to my friends.

Because they are worth the effort ♥

When you were young

While I love, love to read them, I don't really believe in introduction posts. Or rather, I don't believe in my ability to write one. I could talk about me, where I come from, my age, my friends, my hobbies, my education, my dreams, etc. for - literally - days on end. Then people would know everything about me.

Except, the next day I'll probably wake up and have changed my mind about one thing or ten.

That's the thing about people - we change constantly.

God knows I do.

For example, today I blew a ton of money on clothes and jewelry because on Monday, when I was standing in front of my closet trying to pick clothes I'd take to my mom's place, I thought to myself "What is this shit?"

Also, 16-year-old me would probably look at most of the things I bought in disgust - and then go listen to some punk rock or something. I still like punk rock, but my understanding of fashion has transcended my former mindset of "I like black clothes".

Now, while 16 was a long, long time ago, there are still things that keep changing. When I came back this spring after studying abroad for one year, my sister (who has her very own sense of style that doesn't only match her body, but her entire personality), made a comment to a mutual friend about how my style has become more "elegant". And one of my oldest friends I have known for over 10 years, keeps saying "Back in the day, you never would have worn that!"

And she's right.

I have changed a lot, and I probably will look at these changes closely when a certain topic comes up, because I find them to be rather fascinating.

I can't tell you who I am. But I can tell you who I was today.

Today I was a sister who loves getting her little sister stuff, I was someone who can't handle money at all, I displayed mad shopping stamina, and instead of getting all frustrated ("This is my size, why doesn't it fit? It has to fit!!!"), I decided to screw the rules and just bought whatever I liked in whatever size fit. I ended up getting clothes in sizes S all the way to XL. So I guess I was also a very confused person.

Today, I also was someone who could see herself getting with a certain someone and being in a couple again after almost a year of being a really, really happy single girl.

But we'll see how I feel about that tomorrow.